I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
People in love make me want to vomit
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
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