Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
