Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
My dick has a subreddit
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize