Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
