OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
