He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize