Don't make out with my wife yet
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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