I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
