So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
