Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
