I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
