She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
