Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
