You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
