Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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