you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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