I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
