Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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