Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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