Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
