So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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