just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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