we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
