I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
