I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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