dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
