We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
