I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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