Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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