i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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