the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize