She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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