Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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