i can't believe i had my finger in that
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Couch. On fire.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
