Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
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