i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
