He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
