she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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