Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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