I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
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