You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
