Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
