I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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