I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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