Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
