i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
