What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
