I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
