Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
