I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize