It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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