you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
