I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
