i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
