Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
