the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
