im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
